Welp, it’s Monday, so you know what time it is. This week, we’re going to start taking a look at the other big Irish culture hero, Fionn mac Cumhaill. Or Finn mac Cool, in English.

They’re basically pronounced the same, because, again, nothing in Irish is pronounced the way you think it is. I’m going to stick with the Irish version, though, because I think the anglicized one looks kinda silly.

Before we can talk about Fionn mac Cumhaill, we have to talk about his dad. Who is named Cumhaill, because “mac” means “son of.” Cumhaill is the leader of the Fianna, an extremely awesome warrior band in service to the High King of Ireland, Coll. The band is made up of two warring clans: Clan Bascna (Cumhaill’s clan), and Clan Morna.

So things are going pretty well, until Cumhaill falls in love with a woman named Muirne. There’s a little bit of a problem though: her father, Tadg, is a druid, and doesn’t like him very much. This may be because Cumhaill took Muirne and ran away with her.

Tadg responds to this by calling in a favor with Coll to have Cumhaill outlawed. Cumhaill does not take this lying down, though, and this leads to the Battle of Cnucha. This also leads to one of the Fianna, Goll mac Morna, killing Cumhaill and taking control of the band.

Before this, though, Cumhaill did manage to knock up Muirne, who gives birth to a boy named Deimne. Spoiler: this is Fionn (meaning “fair”), who is given the name later in the story because his hair turns prematurely white.

Now, Muirne is no dummy. She knows that Goll is likely to try and track her son down and kill him, since as Cumhaill’s son he has a legitimate claim to Gorna’s position. So she sends him away to live with his father’s sister, the druid Bodhmall, and the warrior woman Liath Luachra.

They waste no time in teaching him to fight and hunt, and he proves to be a quick study, as he’s a competent hunter by age six. It’s on a hunt, in fact, that he encounters the poet Finnegas fishing. But he’s not just seeing any fish. He’s trying to get himself the Salmon of Knowledge, which bestows upon its eater all the knowledge in the universe.

So the two are chatting for a bit when Finnegas gets a bit. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s the salmon he’s spent seven years trying to catch! He asks Fionn to be a dear and cook it for him, which he does. However, while he’s tending to the fish, a bit of grease jumps off and burns his thumb, which he instinctively puts in his mouth. This, of course, grants him some wisdom, which Finnegas notices.

Finnegas decides that he might as well let the kid eat the whole thing, and Fionn becomes the smartest person in the world, at least as long has he’s sucking his thumb.

This, by the way, is how he figures out that Goll mac Morna kills his dad, and he decides that a little vengeance is in order. To that end, he makes his way to Coll’s court, where he’s looking for volunteers to deal with a small problem.

See, every Samhain for the past 23 years, a Tuatha de Danaan named Aillen has come by to magically put everyone to sleep, commit arson, and steal all their shit. Fionn, of course, volunteers to take care of it, and Coll looks at this literal child and thinks, “Yeah, he’ll do nicely.”

So Fionn is given the magical spear Briga, and sent out into the night to wait for Aillen. He arrives, and it quickly becomes apparent that the spear makes him immune to Aillen’s magic. They do epic battle, which naturally ends with Fionn triumphant.

He makes it make, and everyone is super impressed by him. Goll mac Morna, in fact, is so impressed he steps aside and allows Fionn to take command of the Fianna. This is good for him, since he decides to demand Gorna pay him money as reparations for his father’s murder instead of just killing him.

And that, my friends, is the story of how a 10-year-old became the commander of Ireland’s most elite fighting force.