I think it’s been a little while since I’ve talked about a Greek myth, so today we’re going to look at the twelve labors of Heracles.

Note: while he is more often referred to as Hercules, that’s the Roman version of the culture hero. Also, I just like the way Heracles sounds a lot better, so that’s what I’m going with here.

This is also going to be kind of an abridged version of the myth, since otherwise we’d be here all day because it’s not exactly short.

So, first off we need a little bit of backstory. Heracles, like a lot of Greek heroes, is the product of Zeus getting down with someone who is not his wife. In this instance, that would be the mortal woman Aclmene. Who is actually also one of his decedents twice over. That doesn’t really have anything to do, but thought that bared mentioning.

Another thing that we already know is that Hera tends to project a lot of ire towards Zeus’s illegitimate children, because she’s petty as fuck. In fact, that’s why they named him Heracles, in the hopes that naming him after her would soften her a bit towards him. It does not. In fact, she seems to hate him in particular.

In fact, Hera hates him so much that she just drives him mad one day and causes him to murder his wife Megara and their children. When he comes back to his senses, Heracles goes to the Oracle of Delphi and, in his grief, asks her what he needs to do to make up for it. The Oracle tells him that he needs to go to King Eurystheus of Tiryns and complete ten tasks for him. Hera, however, slipped the Oracle a 50 to tell him that, since Eurystheus is actually in cahoots with the goddess.

But wait, you may be saying. I thought there were twelve labors! Well, it starts off with 10, but Eurystheus decides two of them don’t count and bumps it up to twelve.

So Heracles heads to Tiryns and Eurystheus sets him up with his first task: to kill the Nemean lion. Note: most of these tasks involve either killing or capturing some kind of giant monster or animal. Anyway, he heads off but finds that the lion isn’t really that easy to kill, since its hide is so think that conventional weapons just bounce off it. Heracles solves this issue by strangling it, but comes across the “impenetrable hide” issue when he tries to skin it as proof. Athena swings by and helpfully suggests that he uses its claws to skin it. It works, and he returns in triumph.

Task number two is to slay the Lernian hydra, a giant snake monster with a fuckton of heads and poisonous blood. This time he takes Iolaus (either his nephew, lover, or both, depending on who you ask) with him. Now, the gimmick with this particular boss battle is that every time he cuts off one of its heads two more grow in its place. Iolaus, however, helpfully suggests that they cauterize the head stumps with a torch, which works. Heracles stops to dip some of his arrows into the hydra’s blood before heading off to Eurystheus. This is something that winds up biting him in the ass later, but that’s a different story.

So he gets back, but Eurystheus calls foul, since Heracles got help from his nephew/lover, which was against the rules. Then we move on to labor three, which is to capture the Ceryneian hind, which is basically a giant deer. Now this is specifically cooked up by Eurystheus and Hera to try and get Heracles to piss off Artemis, since the hind is sacred to her.

Heracles heads out and runs into some trouble, because the hind is ridiculously fast and he can’t seem to catch up to it. Artemis, after apparently watching this for a while and feeling some pity for him, tells him that he can borrow the deer for a little bit and just gives it to him. Note: divine assistance is apparently acceptable, because no one wants to piss off the gods. So he does, but the deer bolts once they get back to Tiryns.

Now on to number four, which is to capture yet another giant animal, the Erymanthian boar. For this, Heracles decides to go talk to the centaur Chiron for some advice on how to do this. Since it’s winter, he suggests that Heracles drive it into deep snow and trap it there. He does, then binds up the boar and brings it back. Eurystheus, however, decides that having a giant, angry pig in his house isn’t the best idea, and has Heracles get rid of it.

Now on to number four, which is to clean out King Augeas’s stables. This doesn’t seem like it would be to hard, except 1) the stables are huge, 2) Augeas has well over 1000 cattle in there, and 3) it hasn’t been cleaned out in thirty years. So that is a lot of literal bullshit.

Augeas and Heracles then decide to make it interesting: if Heracles can clean the whole stable in one day, Heracles gets a tenth of his cattle. He accomplishes this by diverting two rivers into the stables, which scrubs it out pretty good. Augeas makes good on his promise, but Eurystheus discounts this one too, since Heracles basically accepted payment for his work.

And on to number six; killing the Stymphalian birds. These are birds with metal beaks, razor sharp feathers that they can fire at enemies, and a penchant for eating people. This is where Heracles runs into another issue: the birds live in a swamp, which he can’t enter because said swamp won’t support his weight. Athena comes to his rescue yet again, however, and gives him a special rattle. He uses the rattle to startle the birds into flight, and proceeds to shoot them down with his bow.

So he’s halfway done, and the next task on his list is to capture and bring back the Cretan bull. This actually turns out to be really easy, as King Minos really doesn’t want it, since it reminds him of the time his wife fucked it and birthed an abomination. Eurystheus, however, freaks out again when Heracles brings it back and tells him to just let it go. From here it ends up wandering over to Marathon.

Next up is to steal the mares of Diomedes. Like the birds, they also subsist on human flesh but have the added bonus of breathing fire. So he heads over and is confronted by Diomedes, who he kills. Then he feeds Diomedes to his own horses, which calms them down so Heracles can round them all up.

Number nine is getting the girdle of Hippolyta, the queen of the Amazons. He heads to her place and, depending on who you ask, either gets the girdle by impressing her with his strength, or by seducing her. This one ends up being a little more difficult, because Hera decides to interfere a little more directly by disguising herself as an Amazon and accusing Heracles of trying to kidnap their queen. The Amazons do not take this lightly, and Heracles ends up having to fight his way out.

In some versions of the story Heracles thinks that this is a plot of Hippolyta’s and kills her, but this doesn’t really jive with Hippolyta eventually marrying Theseus, so who knows. Mythology is often messy that way.

Anyway, on to number ten, which is also cattle related: stealing Geryon’s cattle. Geryon is either a giant with three heads, a giant with one head and three bodies, or a giant with three bodies. Not sure how that last one works since it just sounds like three dudes, but whatever.

Now, to get to Geryon’s home of Erytheia Heracles has to cross a gigantic desert, which is not fun. It is in fact so not fun that Heracles gets pissed and fires an arrow at the sun, AKA Helios. Helios, interestingly, doesn’t get mad and actually offers to give Heracles a lift in his chariot. Once at Erytheia, he comes across Orthus, Geryon’s two-headed guard dog. He kills him, then kills Geryon when he comes out. That out of the way, Heracles sets about gathering the cattle. This takes him roughly a year, because Hera sends a bunch of gadflies to bite the cattle, scattering them everywhere.

Now comes that task that Hera and Eurystheus thinks Heracles can’t possibly succeed at: stealing some of the apples of the Hesperides. Now, under normal circumstances this doesn’t seem like it would be that tough. Only problem is that the garden where the apples grow is guarded by a big ass, hundred-headed dragon named Ladon.

Realizing that brute strength probably isn’t going to help him here, Heracles instead relies on cunning. See, the titan Atlas is nearby, holding up the sky. Seeing an opportunity to make his life easier, Heracles tells Atlas that he’ll take over for him for a bit if Atlas can go grab some apples. Atlas obliges, but upon returning decides he doesn’t really want to hold up the sky anymore and tells Heracles that he’ll deliver the apples for him, then toooooooootally come back to take over.

Heracles, it should be pointed out, is strong but not stupid, and sees right through Atlas. So he tells Atlas that’s fine, but he just needs to adjust his cloak. Atlas agrees to take back the sky long enough for him to do that, at which point Heracles just takes the apples and leaves.

Now we finally come to the twelfth labor: capturing Hades’s three-headed guard dog, Cerberus. To that end, Heracles heads down to the underworld and goes to have a chat with his uncle. Hades is totally down for loaning him Cerberus for a bit, provided he can subdue the beast without weapons. Heracles jumps at the chance to wrassle a giant pupper, and defeats Cerberus. Eurystheus, however, freaks out again, and begs Heracles to just bring the dog back to Hades.

With that, Heracles’s labors are at an end, and he goes on his merry way.

And we have learned two things here: 1) Hera operates under Bond villain logic, and 2) Eurystheus really needs to stop requesting animals he doesn’t want.

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