So today I thought I’d top off the Ulster Cycle by telling you about how the main figure in it died.

Spoiler: it’s because he ignored a bunch of omens.

We start off with Queen Maeve of Connacht. Now, Maeve hates Cu Chulainn with every fiber of her being, mostly because he keeps thwarting her plans to fuck with Ulster and killing her men. So when the six children of a wizard named Calatan approach her about killing Cu Chulainn in revenge for their dad, she decides to let them solve her problem for her. 

King Conchubar gets wind of the plot, however, and quickly realizes that if Cu Chulainn dies, Ulster is screwed. So he decides to recall him back to Emain Macha to try and keep him from running headifirst into danger. Which, if you’ve heard the other tales in the Ulster Cycle, he  is wont to do. 

Calatan’s kids, however, won’t stand for this, and use their magic to simulate a huge battle outside the city to try and draw Cu Chulainn out. Because, again, fighting is basically his entire reason for being. King Conchubar thinks fast, though, and throws a big ass feast in order to try and drown out the battle noise. 

This works for about three nights, but Conchubar realizes that this isn’t the best solution, since Cu Chulainn’s going to have to leave sometime, plus given how much the man eats they’re likely to run out of food. So instead he takes Cu Chulainn, his charioteer Laeg, and his mom Dechtire and puts them in a place called the Valley of the Deaf. See, it’s called the Valley of the Deaf because no sound from outside can get in, so Cu Chulainn won’t hear the battle sounds and feel compelled to join in. 

So they stay there for a while, but Calatan’s children quickly realize that something isn’t right and pretty quickly figure out where our boy is. One of his daughters disguises herself as Cu Chulainn’s friend Niamh, and goes to tell him that there’s this really rad battle going on and that he should hurry up and join the fray. 

Cu Chulainn’s like, “fuck yeah,” and goes to hitch up his horse, Lia Macha, to his chariot. Lia Macha, however, is not super jazzed to be hitched up and shies away from him a couple of times. This leads Cu Chulainn to shame his horse into complying, which she does, but not without crying blood. 

You’d think that this would be a a sign that maybe something’s wrong here, but Cu Chulainn doesn’t take it that way. 

The omens continue when Dechtire tries to give Cu Chulainn some good luck wine, but it turns to blood as soon as he tries to drink it. And the creepy old woman at the ford washing Cu Chulainn’s bloody armor and telling him he’s going to die today. But nope, Cu Chulainn just continues on as if nothing happened until he comes across three old women roasting a dog over a spit, who invite him to join them.

Now, this leaves Cu Chulainn in a bit of a tight spot. On the one hand, he’s under a geas (basically a super powered promise) to never eat dog meat. On the other hand, not accepting hospitality when it’s offered is a huge taboo. Cu Chulainn decides to err on the side of hospitality, and chows down on Fido. 

This turns out to be a hug mistake, as he instantly loses about half of his strength in the process. Then he realizes that the three women are actually the Morrigan, the death goddess who wanted to bone him that he turned down. So she’s basically decided to end this whole man’s career. 

Again, you’d think that he’d just turn around and head back at this point because this clearly won’t end well, but pride kind of won’t let him do that. 

So Cu Chulainn and Laeg head on a little further down the road, where they come across Calatan’s three sons and Lugaid mac Con Roi, who is also pissed that Cu Chulainn killed his dad. They also kind of want his spears, because they’re super awesome and powerful. The three sons each approach Cu Chulainn and demand his spears or they’ll satirize him and Ulster (which was a legitimate threat at the time), and he obliges. By chucking the spears throw their heads. Lugaid, though, takes each spear and throws them back, hitting Laeg, Lia Macha, and, lastly Cu Chulainn himself. 

Now, Cu Chulainn knows that he’s in a bad way, mostly because his insides are now on his outside. But he’ll be damned if he’s going to die in the dirt, so he ties himself to a standing stone, sword gripped in his hand. As he’s dying, a crow trips over his intenstinal tract, which he finds pretty funny, so at least he dies laughing. 

Cu Chulainn is there for three days after his death, mostly because no one really wants to go an check to see if he’s dead or not because if he isn’t, he’s likely to be super pissed. However, on the third day the Morrigan, in the form of a raven, lights on his shoulder. The folks gathered take this as a sign that he has ceased to be.

Lugaid decides he really wants Cu Chulainn’s sword as a trophy, but his grip on the sword is so tight that he can’t budge it. So he decides that cutting Cu Chulainn’s wrist tendons is the way to go. This turns out to be a mistake, because the sword falls and cuts off Lugaid’s hand. 

And so that’s how Ireland’s greatest culture hero met his end. The moral here seems to be that maybe you should think before heading into obvious danger. Or that if a goddess comes on to you, it would probably be prudent to just say yes.